Too Busy Makin' My Own Waves
"I ain't riding no waves. Too busy makin' my own waves, baby. Surfin' on my own wave, baby." -Scott "Kid Cudi" Mescudi
Earlier this year, the artist formerly known as "Kid Cudi" (real name Scott Mescudi) checked himself into treatment for anxiety and depression. The man behind so many party songs for those of us attending college in the years 09-13, had been fighting some tremendous demons. Scott posted a beautifully written, heartfelt message to his fans, opening up about his struggle (View Here). As I scrolled through the comments, I was left sobbing with tears of empathy. There was story after story about him getting people through their darkest days and how him opening up about his mental health made them more confident to share their own journey.
All of this left me wondering: Why IS mental health still a taboo subject?
Often times, people are going through a silent battle. We think no one else could possibly understand what we are going through. I believe, the reason for this is because people are constantly trying to perpetuate a facade of who they WISH they were. People are too busy being anything other than real, they miss so many chances for meaningful connections. Had Scott, or anyone else feeling alone thought they had someone they could turn to, things may not have gotten to a breaking point. But noooo, people are engrossed in projecting the fake version of themselves. Therefore, causing anyone with a problem to feel as though they are the only one out their struggling in this way. My heart breaks for Scott and anyone who struggles with mental health. My heart breaks for them because I can relate.
I am someone who struggles with anxiety and probably will until the day I die. Crowds make me anxious. Certain parking situations make me anxious. The thought of people and animals being abused somewhere makes me anxious. LIFE makes me anxious. I am empathetic to the point of my own detriment. I am natural born worrier. I am quite possibly one of the most cautious people you will ever meet. This does not mean I do not make mistakes, but it does mean that I always have to know ALL the facts before doing something and then, I am probably nervous while doing it.
Many people who do not know me well, are shocked to hear this about me. People say, "I would have never guessed that. You are so elegant and poised. You seem so confident." People tell me this ALL the time. All of those things are not mutually exclusive. I am all of those things, but I am also the big anxiety ball and worrier that I mentioned above.
My anxiety does not stem from a lack of self worth. My anxiety stems from childhood trauma. Being in and out of hospitals as a young child and losing your mom to cancer at 8 years old, will do a number on you. You will forever be scarred in several ways and never get over it. You will struggle your entire life and that's the harsh reality. To add to the origin of my anxiety, my mom died of lung cancer and never smoked a day in her life. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) secondhand smoke is responsible for 7,333 deaths annually. Secondhand smoke is real and I am repulsed by cigarettes. I have never tried a cigarette or any type of drug and I am quite proud of that fact (Good girl and darn proud of it). However, that does not thwart my very real fear that bad things can happen, no matter what precautions I take to prevent them. My mom lived a healthy life, but still suffered the consequences of other people's poor decisions.
All that being said, I've learned to manage my anxiety the best way I know how. You see, ultimately, we are not in control. We never are. God is ALWAYS in control.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 NLT
I have spoken about this in previous posts. This does not mean everything that happens in our life is good, but it does mean God is always with us and he never abandons us. I also know I am on this earth for a short time and I will be in Heaven for all of eternity. We are not in Heaven. Heaven is a perfect place...Earth is not. Bad things will happen in this life and we have no control over it. The moment I truly understood that fact, my anxiety started to let up a bit. It was not the fact that I will always get what I want, but it was comprehending, on a deep level, that worry does not change a darn thing.
To people reading this who have not struggled with anxiety, you may say, "of course worry changes nothing." However, for those of us who struggle with anxiety, it's not that easy. We have to actively take conscious steps to curb our anxiety and worries. I wanted to share my story so other people know they aren't alone and so people can understand what it's like.
The older I get, the more I see it's a truly wonderful thing to be me, exactly as I am.
"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." -Joseph Campbell
Kid Cudi's newest single, "Surfin'," reminds me of just that. Marching to the beat of your own drum, not worrying about what other people think you should be doing, and making your own way. Get rid of people who drag you down or encourage to do be anything other than who God made you do be. Say buh-byeeeee to anyone who doesn't believe in you, have your back, or support you (It's YOUR life. Delete or distance yourself from whomever makes you uneasy for whatever reason). You don't have your talents (and faults) for no reason. Our talents are to be shared, but so are our faults! You never know who needs to hear your story.
If you look around the world, you see God loves variety. Being unique is who you are called to be. I always wear what I want. People say, "it's casual," I come in heels (I come to SLAYYY everyday. People need to accept it). I do what makes ME happy. My goal in blogging is to share my stories, advice, and make people feel confident. The Lord gave me a unique set of gifts and I love to share my talents with the world. I am "making my own waves" and "surfing on my own waves."